24”x36” Acrylic on Canvas
$800.00
copyright 2023
Sometimes beauty is what survives. The older one gets, the more worn, the more broken, the more character, the more authentic beauty. I used to think flawless was beautiful… Now I think the more real, the more beautiful. Show me the real, I don’t have space for fake.
My dad passed away 7 years ago, today. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of him in some way. I was very close to my dad most of my life. He was a loving dad. A couple years before he passed away my parents got divorced. I was very upset with him about this and held a grudge against him for it. I was so stubborn and unwilling to forgive that I lost precious time with him over feeling justified to be mad at him. I blamed him. When he got really sick with cancer I realized I didn’t have forever to wait for things to be perfect and I missed him too much to not forgive him and be around him. I spent as much time as I could with him and we made amends. I love him so much. I’m so thankful for those months, even though he was completely falling apart and completely broken. I was with him and holding his hand as he passed and that was an incredible spiritual experience, and I will always be so thankful to have been with him during that time. I have never felt two worlds collide like I did in that moment. The spiritual world and the physical world. They both play an important purpose in our life. When I get to questioning life, it is hard to imagine our God that always was and will be and why are we here in the first place. If you go through life and pretend you don’t question it, then you are avoiding thinking about it. When things get hard, that is when those thoughts stand out the most. I have big questions.
The past few years, God has used my dad’s memory to guide me along a new path. I have really regretted not ever completely opening up to him about my life. I missed out on living authentically with him. I learned that when we open up to people, that they usually reciprocate and then we can learn so much more about life, purpose and pain. My dad was always so good at giving advice. What I wouldn’t give to tell him what I am going through and listen to his thoughts. Which brings me to my mom. Shortly after my dad passed away I started opening up to my mom about my life. I shared with her the things I regretted not talking to my dad about. I hadn't opened up honestly to my mom before. My mom has always been a very loving a supportive mother, so it is not because I was scared to talk to her for fear she wouldn’t accept me. I just hadn’t forgiven myself or accepted my reality enough to tell her. I’m so grateful that I have been transparent and accepted… it gives me courage to face the truth.
This past year I have been completely broken down. I have felt the weight of the world and have been through extreme grief, immeasurable shame, intense inner anger and even felt hatred that I didn’t know existed in my life. As I worked through a ton of therapy, I realized that all these feelings have purpose and I’m evolving as I acknowledge the existence of each of these emotions. There were many times that I wasn’t able to feel grateful for all the ways God was taking care of me because I was so angry about the injustices. I was focused only on the obstacles. They are still present and a struggle, but God has given me a break from my anger and bitterness. God gave me a very clear sign this week that he is on this path with me. Even when I feel like it is too dark in the depths of pain, He is here.
So, one thing about being broken and authentic is there is a freedom from the act of faking your life. I get to be exactly me… I was always supposed to be me, I just didn’t accept my authentic self. It isn’t all fun and games, I have been severely misunderstood, and I don’t think anyone wants to be misunderstood. Well, unless they are pretending to be without fault. I have plenty of faults in my life. However, I admit them. I also have a better understanding for why people do unhealthy things to cope with their life. People usually stay where they feel safe, loved and respected. If they don’t feel loved and respected, they might look for it elsewhere. But if they don’t feel safe, they either stay because of fear (which is most common) or they get stronger and stand up for themselves. I hope if you don’t feel safe… you get away. Talk to someone that will really listen. You might break, but when we break, we can eventually get stronger. This is the road I’m on right now. I am getting stronger and God is with me, so watch out because I’m not afraid anymore.
@patrickweaverministries
“2023 is going to be the year that your testimony is going to set the captives free. You didn’t survive what you went through for nothing beloved, somebody wasn’t going to make it unless you made it back to give God the glory. Decree and declare it… ‘Use me God.!’” – Patrick Weaver
“People don’t want to hear this, but words not matching actions is called manipulation. And refusing to be accountable for it is called gaslighting.” – Patrick Weaver
“When the church tells an abuse victim that she can either stay with her abuser or be condemned for saving her life… that’s not a choice, that’s spiritual abuse at its finest.” – Patrick Weaver
“Love is NOT all you need:
You need respect
You need support
You need trust
You need to be cared for
You need boundaries
You need to be seen
You need SAFETY
You need space to grow
You need acceptance
You need people to show their love through ACTIONS
You need people to be there when it matters” -
@nedratawwab
Psalm 139 from David.
You know King David did some very shameful things… had he not been honest about them, we wouldn’t have learned so much. He wrote down his feelings and we honor him with his authentic writing and his experience with God. We honor him and learn from him. I have learned a lot from him.
Psalm 139
1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. 5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! 20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. 21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? 22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. 23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
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