Things I keep to myself - so much.
Things I share - some of it.
What I have been taught - the thing about grieving is you really need to go through it in order to move forward. Feel all the feels. Let your body process the pain when you feel it, but don't get stuck there. If you don't let your body feel it, but instead suppress it or hide it, it will manifest in ugly ways later.
What I have been doing - the past three years I have grieved and moved forward in a rhythm of motion that sways side to side in a mostly forward motion but sometimes back.
Where it got me - far from where I started. Thankful. Simultaneously, I have loved, enjoyed life, been so grateful and had many new beginnings.
My dream - not a care in the world. Just happy.
My reality - I care about everything and have intense feelings and emotions of love. I have an interrupting disdain for anything that is against what I treasure with love.
What I care about most - Those I love.
My struggle - How do I move forward and not get stuck because of someone that lies and manipulates and hurts the ones I love the most?
The good news - I ripped out the IV of poison that I was once attached to and pulled it out of my body.
The bad news - It still drips into my kids and that hurts me directly. So, while the moving on process should be in full glorious motion, it swings back with the attachment of my kid's feelings.
The deception - The look of redemption can be manipulated. The person claiming redemption might otherwise in the same week be directly hurting their own offspring and putting on a literal animated face to hide the truth. Something as a mother, is the most unfathomable thing I can imagine.
Now what - while I would love to glow in my new life of peace without direct contact with poison, the toxin still manages to affect me directly by way of three parts of my heart that are still exposed.
Moral of the story - don't be a swine to your own flesh and blood. A mother might metaphorically kick your ass for it by way of exposing the truth behind the manipulative narcissistic sociopathic tendencies that you refuse to acknowledge and constantly lie about.
Advice - stop, be sorry and do better. Some, not me, are still counting on you and trying not to completely lose hope.
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