I caught fire. Basically, a bomb went off. I was out at sea, wrecked to pieces and hanging on for dear life. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, fire. Thank God for burning it all down and for pulling me up out of it.
I'm debating how to share my story. I am almost to a point now where I could. But the question is how and where to begin. If you know me, you know some of it. If you are a friend of mine, you definitely know my faults, because I'm very clear about them. I'm not pretending now. However, unless you have walked this with me, you may not know the extreme ups and downs and agony I went through trying to escape what felt like a type of prison. You may not know how confused I was by all the scriptures that were used to manipulate me. You don't know how my heart ached for normalcy, peace, love and a rescue ship to jump to. You don't know how I was influenced to "die to self" and "submit" and accept what I was going through because "scripture is clear". You don't know my confusion about my questions about God and who is He and what love really is about. It was bad. Bad coupled with a desire to put on a front and a desire to actually make it good. It was kind of like being stranded at sea for decades, but then posting smiling pictures as if I was on a cruise ship. You know the social media front. I didn't pretend for just myself, I did it for all the people that I knew wanted good for my family. In reality, it was gigantic ups and downs. Thoughts that maybe things were getting better, but then an abrupt hard turn for the worse. Times I laughed and felt hope, but then darkness was around the corner. Complete darkness. I did hours, weeks and years of therapy to try to help. I did hope. Even when the ship caught fire I tried to blow it out spending every last ounce of my being to save it again. But no. God said to escape. Jump. Don't wait for the next ship. Jump in the stormy water and swim for dear life and trust you can survive. If you don't... the fire will end you. This is your last chance to save yourself.
My options were limited. My mind and body already exhausted from the long journey, the storms, and the shipwreck. But the fire... that was the final drop.
After I jumped, the furious survival in the water almost did me in. I thought I lost hope several times. Angels surrounded me and wouldn't let me stop swimming. They wouldn't let me stop believing. They didn't let my shame take my life. They are still with me now. Human angels. The ones that love you in spite of yourself and what you have done. The ones that know what hell you went through and tell you that there is still hope. What kept me going? - Reminders that I have purpose and life ahead.
Everything is relative. Your life and experiences are yours alone. It's what makes you who you are... Outsiders might think you look fine, or you have everything going for you, but inside you know the struggle. You live with the torture that plays with your heart and mind and threatens you. The trap that pretends, in front of others, to be kind and gentle...but in reality, rages, controls, manipulates and cons. Manipulation and control can never be love. Love isn't threatening and raging. Love doesn't scare you to stay. Never.
I have been feeling like for the sake of some, I can't share all right now... but somehow and someday I will. It will help others if I tell my story. I know it will... it might come with the shame and embarrassment of myself, but if I can help others I will. Just wait.
"Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it." Maya Angelou
"Some have been convinced that being broken in their home is better than a broken home." Patrick Weaver Ministries
God Hates Abuse - The Exodus Project
"Those who wear no mask at all will intimidate those who always do." - A Healthy Dose of Reality by Christine
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