In the same day I can experience extreme joy and piercing sadness. I can wake up, love my kids so much, love my animals, love my walk outside, love the sunshine, my family, my friends, the gallery… and then I can feel a penetrating burn of pain and a huge weight of regret. I’m thankful now that I can feel that pain and push through it.
I had an amazing therapy session this week along with EMDR and let me give you some free thoughts that you may or may not relate to… here you go:
Is your life tangled? Do you sometimes think if people knew, and I mean really knew, what was actually going on in your head or life, you would just die. Could you live 100 percent transparent? Share all your thoughts? Life is tangled. I’m guessing most people have tangles. Most people would rather keep their skeletons in the closet. I have some big tangles… and I don’t like them. I’m more comfortable now telling others about them and letting you know that I regret a large portion of how I chose to live my adult life. Smiling on the outside and a mess on the inside. However, God has given me forgiveness and mercy. He has allowed me the opportunity to look back at all of it with an image of the entire thing all tangled together and helped me face it.
During EMDR, God gave me a vision this week. I saw a map of my life with all the regret, pain, trauma, and then all the blessings, my children, my family, friends and all the love. In my vision I stood next to Jesus and cried as we looked at the image together. It was a huge messy map all circled around where I've lived for the past 24 years. I was so overwhelmed. I told Him my life was a tangled mess and regretted how I chose to live it out. I asked Him a lot of questions. How do I stay in this same town with all the good and bad surrounding me? How can I possibly face all this at the same time? How do I continue to walk through it? How do I walk around all the same people that don’t understand? How can I be okay being misunderstood? I hate to be misunderstood… but Jesus reminded me that He lived His entire life misunderstood by most. He endured it with God by His side. He was able to have peace in the midst of chaos. I didn’t think I could walk through all the tangles. I wanted to run away from it all. I wanted to grab my kids and flee and surround them and myself with only love. But then I had another vision of myself. I was walking through my town, my old churches, all the local places, even the grocery store, with a shield that was God. At first I thought that image was so cheesy. However, it gave me strength and the peace that I need. Sometimes I fear the idea of running into someone that doesn’t know my truth or that misunderstands me. It is overwhelming. In fact, I never wanted to live through having my reality revealed. However, I can’t leave, it would hurt the ones I love, the ones that need me and love me. So, since I have no desire to hurt anyone and never have… I stay. I have no choice but to face the tangled mess and walk right through it with my head up and surrounding myself with things that are good and try and appreciate new beginnings. The crap comes up, but I really do have so much to be thankful for… and I have the blessing of loving people and really enjoying the good in life when I can. Although initially it was weakening, I am getting stronger daily.
That said, I mentioned before I have a story to tell and I feel that pressing on me because I know others are in similar situations. I feel like I have to bring up some of the bad, because some people need to know they are not alone and there is a way through it. I have to bring up the negative because you sometimes have to address it to truly move through it. EMDR has taught me so much about working through something you would rather not even remember. Working through those things usually helps your overall life. It is hard work, but worth it.
I am still in the process of writing my story and it will take time so I’m blogging bits for now. One thing to note is that just because I believe in God and claim my faith doesn’t mean I am perfect or even trying to be. Not even close. I’m no peach or cup of tea. I mean, I am an overall nice person, but I’m not going to pretend. I did that long enough. Like I have said before… I’m going to be completely real with you for the sake of the person that needs help like I did. Which also brings me to the things I’m working through that are in my tangle. As God is my shield and I am living in the truth, I have ZERO tolerance for abuse, manipulation and injustice and I have a big red flag when it comes to misinterpreting scripture and spiritual abuse.
I have an entire book in my head about taking God’s word out of historical context. Don’t tell me “The Bible Says” and then read a specific verse out of a letter from Paul and read it to me word for word in English and explain what that verse means to me right now while not talking about the verses above it and below it also in English word for word. The reason the verses above it and below it aren’t being preached word for word and applied by that same pastor is because the entire thing is being read out of historical context. If you are interested in this, I implore you to look up the history behind Paul’s letters. Read NT Wright historical Bible commentary books and everything that was going on in history and CULTURE and in that language when Paul wrote letters and why. Watch or read as much of The Bible Project as you can. Understand the Bible in it’s language and culture and why a lot of our ENGLISH translations get confused. Stop listening to Bill Gothard, stop reading Help Meet, no more Debi Pearl, and stop reading the Bible like a beginner, especially if you are new to the Bible. If you are a woman feeling trapped or needing help, look into Patrick Weaver Ministries.
As for my zero tolerance for manipulation. I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder because I am presently having to deal with this on an almost daily basis and have no choice but to walk through it until I get past it. I hope that what I’m about to say rubs some people the wrong way. Sometimes being deceived is a choice. If you are honest with yourself, you know it’s happening. Maybe you are the manipulator, and you do it because you think that is the only way you can keep people near you. Maybe you buy people things or give them money so they feel like they owe you. Maybe you allow deception because you are loyal to a fault. Maybe you are loyal because you are being taken care of and why would you bite the hand that feeds you? I’ve learned that I would rather starve. I would rather go without lavish gifts and fancy things. Maybe you know that who you are with is manipulative, but you enjoy the lifestyle you get with that person, so you allow it. If you keep believing the lie and pretending… it will catch up to you. If you think I’m talking to you, I probably am. Watch out for the deception you think is real. Maybe you shouldn’t be turning your cheek and take a good look at the red flag in front of you. Its begging for your attention.
Moving on… here I am outing myself. I am comfortable saying that I absolutely need God. It is the same God I have questioned lately and don’t completely understand, but for some reason, I felt peace when I saw the vision of Him walking with me through life as my shield. The shield that is helping me walk through life and knowing I am being misunderstood. I have lived through a mess. I love God and want the best for people. I refuse to be walked on and manipulated and I refuse to stand idle and watch deception and injustice. I have discovered truth in a new way and it gives me courage to stand up for justice. I hope that if you are confused, tangled, or struggling, that you get to the TRUTH and if it doesn’t come to you, that you do the work and go search for it.
"An apology without change is manipulation." "People in religious bondage will never understand freedom in Christ." -Patrick Weaver
Now back to the more positive side… I mentioned before I can compartmentalize things. Thank God. It is a beautiful day and I’m going to close up this blog for now and go enjoy it. More later. Peace.
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