"I've got some ocean front property in Arizona; from my front porch you can see the sea. If you'll buy that, I'll throw the Golden Gate in free." - George Straight
(This is a picture I took of the Llano Bridge and plan to paint an interpretation soon)
I don't want the Golden Gate free, because then I would have to buy the BS. Have you ever had to take an oath? You swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth. I don’t know about you, but I take that seriously. I realize in the grand scheme of things, if you are comfortable living a lie… why not just continue under oath. I mean, if you have a lot to lose, you might as well keep up the lie. If you are on the other side of that lie, and know the truth, it’s really hard to witness, especially when it comes with tears and manipulation. Another thing… it's hard to tell ugly truths… I have done the work and made that happen. I’m accepting it, forgiving it, and moving on.
Anyway, just my deep thoughts for the day. In other news, I’m having a reflecting week. I’m faced with having to keep moving forward despite being trapped by a circumstance I want over. I want it over and I want to move on. However, sometimes people want nothing more than to get in front of you and make it difficult for you to keep going. I feel like God is showing me that I’m on a new path that is good for me. However, it isn’t easy and I’m faced with a lot of reasons to hold back. BUT I WONT BACK DOWN! (thanks Tom) I am allowing it, trying with all my might to get stronger while I push through to the other side.
So, what am I doing… blogging for now. It helps me to write things down. I am just now realizing that I have been writing things down for most of my adult life. I always thought I hated journaling, but I would do it anyway. Now it is what gives me back my voice and I can get cranky unless I write things down. I have been thinking about my life and quite frankly, your life too. What are we ALL doing? Distracting ourselves on the daily basis just to survive it? Sometimes when I don’t think too hard, I enjoy life more. If I focus on things I’m grateful for I usually enjoy the day better. That all sounds like fun and games. However, this week, when I was stuck at home under a cube of ice in Texas, I found a bunch of old keepsakes. One thing I found was a “Thankful Journal” from over 20 years ago… I wanted to roll my eyes the entire time I was reading it. It really was annoying reading my words trying to talk myself into being happy… am I really that bitter and cynical now? Things were hard then too… but I thought pretending was a great idea. I watched a comedian this week that made fun of faking out your brain by smiling even when something was horrible so that you could be happy. As if the two sides of the brain can fake each other out. The comedian said that is like having conjoined twins trying to surprise the other with a birthday party. That’s pretty accurate. Obviously, when things are going smoothly it is easier to write in “Thankful Journals” like that. I get it, being thankful can help your overall life and attitude towards life. However, sticking your head in the sand and pretending roses are growing all around you is not going to help in the long run. Sometimes what your life needs is a sleeve push up and a punching bag. Sometimes you need to pull your head out of the sand during a really bad storm and wave a shield in front of you while you walk through shit flying at you and just be thankful you have a shield and say to hell with what’s trying to hurt you. You know, Jesus kicked ass too.
Does that sound like the Christian Dorie you know? Well, if it doesn’t then you don’t know me well. Yes, by golly, I’m saved by Jesus’s grace… but this momma has been through the ringer, and I don’t mind being completely real with you.
Lately, I have been questioning life in general. WHAT IN THE WORLD. My very good friend, Missy, has introduced me to some amazing books and podcasts in the last few years that have rocked my world. Books that showed me the context of scriptures in the Bible and how to read the Bible the way it was intended. I grew up a Christian in the evangelical world. I never really questioned anything too deeply. I just knew the Bible and what I read at face value. I took scripture to be the whole literal truth and nothing but the literal truth and I took it OUT OF CONTEXT and never questioned it too far for fear of my life. But, like I said in my last blog, I am NOT afraid anymore. I have big questions. I try to only read the Bible in context. There are a lot of historical events around the scriptures that we all put on pillowcases and cutesy wall signs. We think we should needle point scriptures from some of the most poignant things people ever said in the middle of complete chaos and pretend roses are growing all around. That isn’t the Bible.
How many evangelical Christians are lining up to learn from all the different people in the Bible that did horrible things. Many with several wives and/or murdered a bunch of people? Do you learn from them, but then judge those around you trying to work through their own reality… maybe not near as bad? We can learn from just about anyone… that has always been the case. Look who God used in the Bible and look who Jesus chose to work the closest with... How many people love to recite scripture and have zero idea why it was written in the first place? Who was it addressed to, why was it written, what are we really supposed to learn from it? Please. Open your eyes and heart… the bigger picture is so much better than the sugar-coated Sunday school lessons. It’s hard to read, sometimes extremely hard to relate to, really hard to accept and looks a lot bigger.
Also- I am not saying all this because I have lost my faith. Not in the least… I have a much bigger appreciation for the crazy nature of the Bible and how we are all living out our story. However, I’m still having some big questions that go way before scripture was written. I know those questions can’t be answered right now… but they are there and I’m allowing myself to think about them… I’m praying God will meet me there and pull me through this. Meanwhile, I’m writing my story in the Bible. It’s before Revelation. Not planning to publish it with the NIV… but do you get my drift? I hope God will use my story for good… at least then it’ll be worth the fight. Meanwhile, I’m on this bridge… working my way to the other side. Let's hope it’s more peaceful there.
"Some people are going to have a problem with you when you start healing. Your healing will start revealing their truth and their contentment with you suffering in silence. Pray attention to people who prefer your silence over your freedom."
Patrick Weaver - @patrickweaverministries
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